If Only ...

If only Mia Grace had "A" Grandma ... that's what I find myself saying. When I talk about where she might stay if I work full time, its "If only she had a Grandma". Yesterday I told Mike as much as I want to be with Mia Grace everyday, if she had a Grandma in her life, I would gladly hand her over knowing she would be in better hands than with me! And, I meant it with every fiber in my being. I dont think you will find too many mothers out there who can honestly say they know their child would be in better hands with another woman who isn't even blood related. And, if they can humbly admit it, they would never glady oblige. I would in an instant. If only Mia Grace had "a" Grandma, I'd go find a job whether I need one or not.
It's strange to me that I speak of her in this tense. I dont say, if only Grandma was here; if only Mia Grace could have gotten to know Grandma. In fact, Mia Grace has "A" Grandma. She has 7 to be exact, all blood related and all who love her very much. Two who would keep her everyday if they could. There is no shortage of love from Grandma's around our house and in her little soul.
I guess through these last years, God has been steadily prepared my heart for Grandma's departure from this Earth. As Johnny said in his message at her funeral, she was spending a lot more time getting to know Him through these last years. When I say, if only Mia Grace had a Grandma, its not that I am holding onto the possibility that she can experience the same love and care I did as a child from Grandma herself. Or, that upon Grandma's passing that this dream died. I guess that dream died years ago. Sure I would love that, but I have never considered driving my daughter to the Ticknor Terrace Apartments in Grapevine everyday something that was remotely possible.
I guess Grandma has become over the last several years, an architype, in not only my mind, but in many others. That was the point I was trying to make in the Eulogy. I didn't want to look over the fact that Grandma chose to lead a holy life. "Chose" being the key word there. She was the most self controlled, loving, generous, and authentic person I have ever encountered. I just had the privelidge to watch her each and every day in my early years, as she lived out this remarkable yet simple existence. She has become the architype of what it means to live life to the fullist, what it means to love unconditionally, what it means to be called the sacred name "Grandma". Because of this legacy she leaves behind I will forever desire Mia Grace to have a "Grandma" in her life, a Godly and beautiful woman who loves her like her own and diligently and gently guides her down the path of righteousness by how she lives. In fact, I desire for everyone to have a "Grandma" in their life. I know there will never be another Grandma Walker, but I cling to the hope that we do have it in us to be "A" Grandma. You see, she isn't an architype. She was human. The same way you are human, the same way I am human, the same way Jesus was human. So, My new mantra is this, "If only Mia Grace had "A" Grandma in her life ... If only I could be "A" Grandma in her life and in the lives of those around me. What about you? If only ...

The Storm

I find myself having sporadic moments of grief. It just comes over me like a storm, without warning, without calculation. I hits hard, beating against my heart like the strongest wind I have ever felt. As I try to fight back the tears and ache in my heart it overwhelms my soul and I must sit and be still and let the storm swirl around me. It rips apart this mask. It peels away the walls I try to hide behind by peeling it layer by layer. It hurts worse than anything emotionally I have experienced. I have no words, only heartache, frustration turns to anger, sadness turns to grief, and regret turns to shame. I look up and see her little eyes pierce through me like a bright light, and all I can say is "I'm sorry, so sorry" and "I miss you, I miss you so much". I must just sit and be with this pain in my soul.

Then its gone. Everything disappears. The pain is completely gone and I cling to the hope that this life is a mist and we were meant to live eternally. I will have my time back to make up for this regret and loss. I will have the opportunity to allow the gapping hole left in my heart heal by her pressence, by His pressence. When we meet again, I know she will be even more radiate than all my memories combined.

For now, the storm is silenced, but I know it is not gone. For now I can go about my life as if the storm never came. It is calmed for now. But as I know that in due time it will sneak up on me again and captivate my heart and soul. I know as I continue to build these walls and rebuild my mask, it will only be a matter of time before it comes back. It will come back to reclaim its power over me and tear away all I try to hide.

Generation to Generation ...

The last photo I have of the two of the most important people in the world to me!

December 2007 (Mia Grace's first birthday party!)

She will know her Maw-Maw was there and that she loved her so much.

Passing down her love from Generation to Generation. I will cherish these photos for a lifetime ...

Grandma and Me as a child
Grandma and Mia Grace (July 07)

Over 20 years later!

EULOGY

Some of you have asked me to post the eulogy. Obviously, its not as well written as it would be if it were meant to be read and not spoken. I just didn't have it in me emotionally right now to go back through and edit it as I would most things. Much love and thanks to everyone for their kind words of encouragement, but I cannot take credit. The Lord was most definitely speaking through me ... the night before when I wrote what I would say AND on Thursday. LIVE in peace Grandma ... I love you.

GRANDMA WALKER: LIVING ANGEL

OPENING

Now all of you know that if Grandma were here right now, she would not have all of us “fussin” over her like this! Well, Grandma, we are gonna fuss and celebrate a lot today even if you are shaking your fist up there!

How do I summarize the life of such an amazing person? How do I give her one ounce of the justice and praise she so deserves? Especially for someone who seemed to have this thing called life all figured out. Man, Grandma did have life figured out? The bible tells us we reap what we sow. Grandma lived peacefully and passed peacefully. She put on a little show for her family last Wednesday, getting cozy in a new bed and winking at Michelle being goofy while the nurse was in the room and then to top it off, she spent all of Easter Sunday in Heaven! Now tell me she didn’t have this all figured out?

BACKGROUND

Many of you may not know some background on Grandma as she never talked about herself one bit. In fact, I just now learned her birth name … kidding! Margaret Lynn Walker was born in Nowata, Oklahoma were she was mostly raised by her grandmother until she moved with her mother to Missouri, which is where most of her family was from. She later moved to Texas with her mom and met Henry Clay Walker at her mother’s boarding house. Margaret and Henry were married and lived in Oak Cliff, here in Dallas, where he was a Baptist minister, and raised three children, Norma Lynn, Sarah Helen, and Henry Clay Walker II. About six years after the passing of her husband, at the age of 56, Grandma moved with Helen to Grapevine where they lived in the Ticknor Terrace Apartments for seventeen or so years before moving again together to their home on Sante Fe and then again this last year to be closer to Loree and the kids in their home in Decatur, which is where Grandma quietly passed. Grandma and Helen had a very special mother-daughter relationship. They have been together ever single day (by choice I might add) for nearly 40 years and then of course, all the years before when the kids were growing up. Grandma and Helen just go together. You can’t really say one’s name without the other … where are Grandma and Helen? Are Helen and Grandma coming? That will take some getting used to I guess.

NAME’S SAKE

OK, I promise I won’t use the name Margaret anymore or else you will all wonder who in the world I am talking about! From what I hear, even as a young woman, most people called her Ms. Walker if it wasn’t Granny or Grandma and then later, of course, her great grandbabies named her Maw-Maw.

I have thought and wrote a lot about Grandma over the years and this past January, I started thinking about her name’s sake and why everyone called her Grandma. What I realized is that “Grandma” is her God-given name. Just as Abraham, Jacob, Sarah, and Peter are all examples of people whose names were changed by God in the Bible to signify their higher purpose, Grandma's name, I believe, also signifies her calling and fulfillment of His purpose for her in His plan as well. You see, the name Grandma has so much meaning that it crosses cultural barriers and has a universal meaning for people that reeks with unconditional love. Grandma is very different than Mother or sister or aunt, Grandma is that one person in your life that not only loves you unconditionally, but she can't even help it because she can't even see your flaws, your weaknesses, those places you often fall short/miss the mark. No, Grandma can't see your sin. You never have to fear looking in her eyes and seeing disappointment, instead, when your sin has snuck out and reared its ugly face once again, you can fall into her embrace and feel so overwhelmed with love; honest, pure, unconditional love that you feel at peace. Grandma was called Grandma because that is what she was to everyone.
Like anyone named Grandma, she was a kid magnet. They just gravitated toward her like nothing I have ever seen. I think its because light attracts light. Grandma was probably more comfortable in the presence of an innocent child. All her grandbabies loved and were just connected with her. Even the last one, Emilee Ann. Even when Grandma wasn’t as active and couldn’t get down on a pallet and play, or fix a hot meal, Emilee was still attracted to her MawMaw. Often Loree would come into a room and find Emilee curled up in her lap. She was her baby! When my brother was little, he didn’t want anyone but his momma, and grandma of course. She called him her manman. When he was 4 years old, my mom wanted to get him an Easter suit to wear. Grandma and Helen were with us out shopping and when Aunt Helen and my mom would find one they liked and asked Dustin, “do you like this one?” he’d say “no”. And then they would plead with him … “this one looks so good on you, don’t you like it?” and he’d say “nope”. But then he said, “I’ll ask Grandma. Grandma, do you like this one?” and Grandma said, “oh honey that one looks sooo good on you.” Then he looked at my mom and said “I’ll take this one”.

That’s just how it was … Grandma and kids were like two peas and a pod. Even up until the end Grandma was always looking out for the babies. Everyone would be talking and carrying on and MawMaw would say ah ah ah … are yall watchin her? She wanted to make sure the babies were all safe. We would say, yes, MawMaw we see, knowing full well we hadn’t. I guess that will take some getting used to. We will have to be more watchful without MawMaw’s eagle eye and vision around anymore.


CHARACTERISTICS
HOLY “Be holy because I am holy”

Have you ever met anyone that was in this world, yeah, but there was so much about them that seemed out of this world? That is how most people revere Grandma. When thinking about her characteristics, the perfect word that comes to my mind is HOLY. By definition, holy means living a spiritually pure life. What better word to describe who most will claim to be the sweetest and most beautiful person they have ever known or even just met, the life that Grandma lived and the legacy she will leave behind? Her character, life, and legacy all exude holiness.

Galatians 5:22
But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

Set your hearts on things above.

Romans 12:9

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor honoring the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but willing to associate with people of lower position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay evil with evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
C
5:8-10 …the one who sows to please the spirit, from the spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest is we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially those who belong to the family of believers.

Ephesians 4:1-3
I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.


PERSON
QUIET “make it your ambition to lead a quiet life”, Ephesians 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Grandma was a quiet woman, a woman of very few words, but when she did speak it was always positive and always spoken carefully with love. Her son Henry and son-in-law, Dickey said just last week, in all their years, they had never heard one negative word come out of her mouth! And, just because she was quiet does not mean she was a ghost in any room. She listened intently. She could hear clear across a room if you mentioned her name, then you would hear her pipe up “what? What are yall sayin in there”, or just when you forgot she was sitting there while you were ranting over something or somebody, probably spilled milk … you would catch a glimpse of her eyes which always made contact with yours and instantly, you would WANT to change your behavior because just her presence encouraged pure goodness. With the kids (and ok, with the adults too) it sometimes took a little more than a glance. She might point that finger and say “now-now, none of that” or shake her little fist and say “do you see this?” That always created laughter and changed the mood of any situation. Her son Henry or “Uncle”,

PRESSENCE
Just because she was quiet did not mean Grandma did not have a profound presence. From every store on Jefferson St. in Oak Cliff, to McDonald’s to Walmart someone knew about Grandma Walker. Even complete strangers noticed her presence. One night when Helen and Norma were eating dinner at a restaurant, a lady who had been sitting at the table next to them came up and said “When I grow old, I want to look as sweet and loving as your Mother.” Helen and Norma thanked them and after the lady left they would look at Grandma and each other and think “It just looks like Momma to me”. When Helen would go out with Grandma, no matter where it was, someone would come up to her, mostly saying … “is that your mother? She has the sweetest smile.” She sure had a smile didn’t she … those false teeth and all!? Seriously, if you didn’t think it was possible to have a beautiful smile with no teeth, you didn’t catch Grandma early in the morning or late at night. Really, she had a smile that would light up any room and is now radiating from heaven I’m sure! And just in case you need to remember it, just go have a conversation with her granddaughter, Amy, and you will remember. I’m just glad someone inherited that smile! Her smile even radiated through the telephone. I heard that just last night from her cousins who were watching the slideshow. People would say that to Helen at work all the time. Grandma would call and not want to bother Auntie and Helen’s coworkers would have full on conversations with her. Later, Helen would hear “You have the sweetest and dearest mother I have ever talked to. I can just hear her smiling”. If it’s possible to actually hear a smile, it had to be Grandma’s!

SELFLESS/SERVANT 1 corithians15:38 “Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain”

Scripture says, love your neighbor as yourself, this is God’s greatest commandment to us. You see, God know’s how hard it is for us to even live by the golden rule … treat others as we want to be treated, that’s why he says try to love people like you love yourself. You see, Grandma took it a step further because she loved others more than herself. The word self was never in the picture, unless it was at the beginning of selfless. She fulfilled … It also says whoever makes himself last is first.
Grandma Walker has spent a lifetime doing God's work by serving people and especially her family. Helen said “she waited on them hand and foot”. When Norma, Helen, and Henry were young and they wanted something, all Grandma would need is to find out they wanted (not needed) something, and to get the money she would go and pawn her wedding rings. Yes, I said “hawk, sell, pawn” whatever you want to call it … her wedding rings. Mr. Livingston would keep them safe knowing shortly after, her husband and their daddy, Henry would show up at his jewelry store to buy them back. Mr. Livingston would keep them for Grandma, or should I say, Mr. Walker, even if it had been a year. He died later and the rings were lost. The kids finally convinced their daddy to buy her a plain band and so he did one year for Christmas telling her “now I got you a plain band and you can’t go hock this one for the kids” and she never did. Instead, we all remember that plain band she would fiddle and twirl on her finger all these years, and the band she is wearing even now as she will soon be laid to rest next to her dear husband for eternity.
Grandma carried on the tradition of serving with her grandkids. When Barry, Sheri, Loree, Tony, and Amy were little she would gather and collect all the Coke bottles she could find and go sell them for the money she needed to take them out for a lunch treat to McDonald’s. They all got to get hamburgers and they all shared one “cold drink”. I think by the time Michelle, Henry, Johnny, Dustin and I came around, there were no more coke bottles to sell! Instead it was on to the McDonald’s happy meal toys for all of us and the great grandkids. She would call McDonald’s and her friend there would tell all the employees “Grandma Walker is looking for such and such” and then they would call all the other McDonald’s and find it for her and often times bring it to her. She did this with everything and she was clever too. She loved to keep surprises and was the best at it. If she knew of something one of her loved ones wanted she would sneak around and call their friends. She had many accomplices, including my mom, whom she would give money so they could go put money down on it and pick it up for her. I’d say that is pretty darn clever for a woman who never drove a car!
Another area Grandma loved to serve was in the kitchen. Sundays growing up was a biscuits and gravy tradition. When she watched her own grandbabies or other’s grandbabies, like me, she would offer to cook anything at anytime! She would go down the list. Do you want scrambled eggs and ketchup, cheese on toast, a jelly foldover? When we would say, “No Grandma, we’re not hungry” she would shake that fist and say “You better let me fix you somethin’. Your momma’s gonna think I am starving you”. Some of the best memories of Grandma wanting to serve is in her later years when her body was too weak to do many of the things she used to do. She would ask if she could help with something she wasn’t even physically able to help with. Even when Norma Lynn was ill and Mark was leaving her hospital room, Grandma said, “Where ya goin?” and Mark said “Oh, MawMaw, I’m going to the little boys room” and MawMaw said “Can I help you?” He just laughed … no MawMaw, I think I can handle it. Or just last Wednesday, upon her last few days with us, she asked her daughter-in-law, Barbara, if she needed to lie down to rest. She couldn’t help but serve and think of others before herself. It was in every fiber of her being. She would do anything for anybody at anytime without complaint or recognition. “Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.”
In fact, she never even wanted recognition. She was HUMBLE and MODEST in every essence of the word. Being the center of attention was not a place you would find Grandma very often, and if she were there, I can guarantee she was not comfortable. Except for maybe the time when she received a RED bra and undies (Her favorite color!) for Christmas one year and she whipped them out as is the family tradition to show everyone what she got … Umps included! While everyone was taken aback, Umps let her know she had earned that Red Braziere!

GRANDMA GETS HER WAY
OK. So, I wracked my brain trying to think up any dirt I had on Grandma. No, I’m kidding, but I did come up with a few areas where she got her way. The first one is that if one of us kids were playing with a toy and she thought it might break and we would be sad, she would “put it up”. Don’t ya’ll remember that .. “let’s put this one up”. Our moms would have to call Aunt Helen and ask her to go look in Grandma’s drawer for the toy and she would always find it there among all her precious items which included EVERY card anyone EVER gave her.
Also, from 11AM-3PM the TV was on her Soap Operas. All other hours we could watch whatever we wanted. I often wondered why in the world Grandma would like soap operas? And I seriously think it’s because she watched them for so many years she considered them family too. She was rooting for them to do better, but we all know those soap characters ALWAYS make the wrong decision.
And last but most important if there was a storm brewing, or should I say, if Grandma thought a storm MIGHT be coming, you could find her and her grandbabies in the bathroom with the portable telephone!

LEGACY OF LOVE/ NO FAVORITISM
More than anything, Grandma loved deeply. Grandma showed no favoritism, ever. She loved all equally. What an amazing quality to have. To be able to look at someone and see the goodness in them, in everyone. Scripture tell us that “love never fails” …
5:1
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love .. Two greatest commandments is to love your lord God with all your heart soul and mind and to love your neighbor as yourself.
As her children and grandchildren and great grandchildren will tell you. She always gave hugs and kisses freely, but no spankings … not one. (out of 3 kids, 8 grandkids, 10 great grandkids, and three adopted grandkids) God’s word says that love conquers all and that love covers a multitude of sins
And she conquered so much just by giving us her love. I often wondered why God might consider loaning us one of his angels. Why He would send a perfect angel to live here on Earth amidst so much darkness and everyday He gives me a new and perfect answer. A woman of remarkable light just doesn’t seem to fit. She offers so much light into the world that she can't even see the darkness that surrounds her or the darkness within those she meets. Just as any Grandma does, she attracts children like a magnet and I truly believe that this is her soul's source of energy. Children posses so much of God's light. Light attracts light, and I visibly see this happen when I am in her presence. Even in the last years of her life, having Alzheimer’s I was never short of amazed at how well she loved. I know we all had a hard time with that, wondering why in the world she would have that horrible disease. I can’t tell you the answer to that but I certainly know that God works for the good in all things. To hear stories of how many people who suffer with that disease become combative and mean, they stop acting like themselves. In the 10 or so years Grandma had Alzheimer’s, she was never once mean. You see, maybe that is the brilliant lesson she showed us in the end. She woke up each day not recognizing many of the people around her but they would never know because she treated them as she would treat any perfect stranger or closest family member : THE SAME, the same way she had all her life! She makes everyone feel like they are the most precious thing she has ever laid eyes. It's like her eyes pierce through you right into your soul and that’s all she sees. She only saw the perfection deep within us … how we were created to be through Him. With one look she gave us hope that deep inside us there still resided the perfect initial creation we were all meant to be. That is the kind of known that doesn't matter if she remembered your name. Didn’t it just feel so good to be loved that way, to be loved in such a deep, honest, and pure way … not by anything you did or didn’t do. We are all blessed in this room to have been loved by Grandma.



SELF-CONTROL “Everyone who wants to lead a godly life will be persecuted”
I don’t want us to lose sight of the fact even though Grandma was our angel, she was completely human too. By that, I mean, let’s not dilute her hard earned legacy by saying, “oh, that’s just how Grandma was born … perfect and sweet … she wasn’t capable of doing anything but good in this world.” While that is all true, she wasn’t capable because she always CHOSE the righteous path. Let me put it into terms we can all relate too, so the legacy that leaves is that much more great! I mean, do we think Grandma NEVER was tempted to veer off the path, I mean NEVER EVER? Not even tempted to get a little upset, frustrated or even a little angry? Not even when Dustin flushed his scuba diver down the toilet, or Chris cried and cried and cried for his momma as an infant. Or what about when Chris (and I think Dustin did this too) locked himself in the bathroom on numerous occasions? What about when Big Henry would always catch Grandma off guard by sqeezing her knee? Ohhhh, how she did not like being tickled, especially above her knee … What about when Helen and Norma were growing up and they covered themselves in monkey blood to fool Grandma into believing they were bleeding to death? If that didn’t get ya, how about on all those marathon shopping trips, Norma, Helen, Sheri and Loree took Grandma on? Grandma would get dragged all over town for hours and hours. She would be wayyyy in the back, those little 4’11 legs of hers tryin’ to keep up always mumbling to herself and when asked are you okay MawMaw, she would say “Oh, yeah, I’m fine, you go” and she would shoe you with her hand. Now, what do we think? Do we think Maw-Maw never had the temptation to get upset? She had self-controlled that is unmatched by anyone I have ever witnessed, and probably will ever witness in my life. I have never seen or heard of anything like it. (except for Jesus of course). And that’s exactly why she was so self-controlled … she was so filled with the Lord through her faith. It’s like a small child who pours themselves a glass of milk. They always fill it up way to much. Then they grab it with two hands and try to walk steady. Every little bump or stutter step, milk spilling all over the floor. Grandma reaped what she sowed. She was so filled up with peace and love and joy that when little bumps and stutter steps came her way (I don’t think I need to give any more examples!) those qualities are what spilled over onto those around her. She repaid evil with goodness, a harsh word, with a kind one, a sour face, with a smile, and a hardened heart with pure LOVE. My cup overfloweth … that’s how Grandma lived …and her cup is still overflowing and will continue to pour from her legacy that she has left for us, and it will never run dry!

CELEBRATE
Romans 12:9

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor honoring the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but willing to associate with people of lower position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay evil with evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Man, do we have reason to celebrate! Though we all grieve and mourn the loss of such an influential dear, sweet woman, let us also rejoice in the legacy she has left behind. While we get to heaven by faith alone, the Lord promises to reward his children for the worthwhile stuff we did here on Earth. I don’t know about you all, but I often feel like I am just scraping by … I will be the one in heaven in the back row, undetected, just thankful to be in! Not Grandma, though! Though she lived a simple life in the world’s eyes and has no accolades, awards, or huge trust fund bearing her name, I know she is famous in heaven! She is probably famous in heaven for many things, but most definitely her prayers. The angles know her voice! She always used to say “you’re in my prayers”. Many people say that, but Grandma meant it. She would lie in bed each night and pray for her family one by one, calling out each name. When Aunt Helen told me this recently, I was speechless. To think that someone has been praying for me just about every day I have been alive is mind boggling … I and I am not even related by blood. What kind of heart she must have? She stored up as many treasures in heaven while here on Earth as she kept in that little drawer of hers. The Crown of Glory, of Righteousness, … … and the famous accolade of hearing God say “Well done, my good and faithful servant” are all rewards we are told we can receive in heaven that are earned here on Earth. We don’t know much about heaven, as it is reward enough and is probably too great to express through words. I don’t know about you, but I sure want to be there when Grandma receives those crowns! I have to admit, I have asked God these last few days to hold off on the reward ceremony because I want to be there – and if not, if He can just Tivo it for me. (Selfish of me I know), but don’t you want to be there, to see Grandma receive those hard earned crowns? I want us all to celebrate with her and watch her turn all shades of red as she is called out … and we can all say, hey I know her “she is my friend, my loved one, my mother, my grandma, my MawMaw …and I was really loved by her”. But more than likely, Grandma will leave the ceremony to walk down those golden streets to see if she can find a pawn shop where she hock those crowns to get something really special for a loved one. Yeah, that’s our Maw-Maw!

Instead of merely remembering Grandma in passing and then going about out lives as normal, why don’t we be still and allow that memory to soak into our heart so deep that it becomes a part of who WE are, not just who Grandma was. How radically would our lives change and the lives of those around us change if we carried on just one ounce of the legacy Margaret Lynn Walker leaves behind. I plead to all of us. Let’s not let her holy and beautiful life be in vain, instead, let us go out and carry forward her legacy of selfless servanthood, generosity, love and righteousness. Let’s not be selfish with the time we were blessed to have with an angel here on Earth, let’s pay it forward! Will there ever be another Margaret Lynn Walker? No way! Let’s just let her continue to live in spirit through us.

Those who know my little brother, Dustin, know he is a man of few words, yet, his few words brought me so much comfort Saturday evening as I was on my way to Decatur to say my final goodbyes to the most beautiful person I have ever known. So, I will leave you with message … His text simply read, “No need to cry – Grandma wouldn’t have it that way?” So, instead, my proposal is that we try to hold back the tears if even for a moment and send her a big smile, because we know hers is more radiant than ever!

Regret

Often I hear people say, "I have no regrets, or I live without regret, or everything happens for a reason." If I agree with any of those statements, I could see and understand the last one. In fact, I have been a proponent of that idea for awhile, and I can understand how many things in life that are painful at the time later yield much value. I, just as others, have also been fortunate to gain understanding through certain circumstances. Many of my least proudest moments provide this for me. I can see how God does what He says He'll do, in that He "works for the good in ALL things". Terrible mistakes have resulted in huge lessons learned, thus preventing more pain from a similar decision. Or, these mistakes have even turned into humongous unexplainable and undeserved blessings. The easiest and biggest example of this is God's gift of His son. While I deserve death because of my condition of sin, He freely gives the gift of life.

While all of this may seem like a tangent, I do actually have a purpose in writing tonight. I'm just not so sure I buy into the whole "no regrets" thing anymore. You see, even though God may work it out for us in the end by His soverign grace, it doesn't mean that I should chalk it up to "no regrets". Regret simply means to feel sorrow or remorse for an act, fault, or disappointment. And by this definition I most certainly DO have regrets, a lot of them in fact, but there is one inparticular that is relevant to this blog that is indisputable. I deeply regret not spending more time, valuable and meaningful time, with Grandma. In fact this regret is so deep I have a feeling I may spend a life time peeling back the layers and learning from this enormous mistake. It's mistakes like this that I realize how short life really is. You see, we only get one shot. I can't get a do-over, take a mulligen, or say "my bad". It's over. Finished. What's done is done. I don't get a second chance to say all the things I wanted so badly to say. I don't get to ask her all the questions I wanted to ask and hear HER answer. I don't get a chance to somehow make sure she knew how grately she impacted my life and how I just thought she did it so right. Man, did Grandma do life right!

It's ok that I feel sorrowful that I chose not to listen to my intuition that has been telling me for years to make MORE time for her. I even had visions of what our time together might look like and the things I would say and how she would respond. The difference now, is that these visions are now illusions of what can no longer be. The dream of this magical time is dead, and for that, yes, I am filled up with regret.

Does this mean I will spend the rest of my days feeling this way? Who knows? It's important, though, to realize that regret is NOT a state of being, its just a feeling, an emotion that I am allowed and proud to admit I have. Do I think God will work for the good in this? Most definitely. In fact, I would be willing to bet that in many years these words (in some form) will come from my lips ... " As I look back, I can now see how He creatively manuvered this huge mistake and taught and blessed me in ways I could have never imagined; and yes, not spending more time with the most beautiful person I have ever known is STILL and will ALWAYS be the biggest regret of my life."

Grandma's Hymns

Tonight, after Grandma passed, Loree started looking through some old paperwork and came across something special. It was two sheets of paper where Grandma and her late husband had written some of their final requests. One, being the songs they would like played at their passing. Here is what Grandma chose aa a young 37 year old woman. She lived 50 more years after she wrote this! Have you ever heard more perfect and beautiful lyrics? It is so like Grandma to take care of this so those she loved wouldn't have to find the perfect hymn to play.

FARTHER ALONG

Tempted and tried, we’re oft made to wonder

Why it should be thus all the day long;

While there are others living about us,

Never molested, though in the wrong.

Refrain:

Farther along we’ll know more about it,

Farther along we’ll understand why;

Cheer up, my brother, live in the sunshine,

We’ll understand it all by and by.

Sometimes I wonder why I must suffer,

Go in the rain, the cold, and the snow,

When there are many living in comfort,

Giving no heed to all I can do.
Tempted and tried, how often we question

Why we must suffer year after year,

Being accused by those of our loved ones,

E’en though we’ve walked in God’s holy fear.
Often when death has taken our loved ones,

Leaving our home so lone and so drear,

Then do we wonder why others prosper,

Living so wicked year after year.
“Faithful till death,” saith our loving Master;

Short is our time to labor and wait;

Then will our toiling seem to be nothing,

When we shall pass the heavenly gate.
Soon we will see our dear, loving Savior,

Hear the last trumpet sound through the sky;

Then we will meet those gone on before us,

Then we shall know and understand why.

WHEN THEY RING THOSE GOLDEN BELLS

There's a land beyond the river that we call the sweet forever

And we only reach that shore by faith, you see

Yes I want to see my Jesus

Shake His hand and have Him greet us

When they ring those golden bells for you and me

Don't you hear the bells a-ringin'

Can't you hear the angels singin'

It's a glory hallelujah jubilee

In the far off great forever just beyond the shining river

When they ring those golden bells for you and me

When our days have known their number

When in death we sweetly slumber

When the Kingdom mends the spirit to be free

There'll be no more stormy weather

We'll live peacefully together

When they ring those golden bells for you and me

Don't you hear the bells a-ringin'

Can't you hear the angels singin'

It's a glory hallelujah jubilee

In the far off great forever just beyond the shining river

When they ring those golden bells for you and me

When they ring those golden bells for you and me

Final Moments

Tonight I got to say my final goodbyes to the woman who has impacted me more than anyone else in this life ... Tonight I experienced more pain than any other night of my life ... Tonight I now know the definition of grief ... Tonight I feel at peace knowing there is a party in heaven welcoming a woman who lived a life full of purpose ... Tonight I am honored to have been loved by Grandma ... Tonight I am thankful for her diligent prayers for me all these years ... Tonight I am changed forever.

How it all started

Post from Friends Fly Free Blog.

Ok. Deep Breath. Exhale ...
Margaret Lynn, better known, or should I say ONLY known, as Grandma or Maw-Maw, is the angel I was referring to in my previous post. In fact, it was many years after our love affair began that I learned her birth name, but this doesn't mean we didn't know each other well. In fact, I knew her by her God-given name, which holds much more weight with me. Just as Abraham, Jacob, Sarah, and Peter all had their names changed by our Almighty God (well Peter's by Jesus, but you get my point) which signified their purpose in God's plan, Grandma's name, I believe, signifies her calling and fulfillment of His purpose for her in His plan as well. You see, the name Grandma has so much meaning that it crosses cultural barriers and has a universal meaning for people that reaks with unconditional love. Grandma is very different than Mother or sister or aunt, Grandma is that one person in your life that not only loves you unconditionally, but she can't even help it because she can't even see your flaws, your weaknesses, those places you often fall short/miss the mark. No, Grandma can't see your sin. You never have to fear looking in her eyes and seeing disappointment, instead, when your flesh has reared its ugly face once again, you can fall into her embrace(which is always way more powerful than her muscleless arms with frail bones and aged skin lead on) and feel so overwhelmed with love; honest, pure, unconditional love that you feel at peace. Sound familar? For me, this familiarity hits home because it is exactly the same feeling I recieve when our Lord wraps me in His arms and holds me tight. I melt in His peace and experience a love that overwhelms me.
Grandma Walker has spent a lifetime doing God's work.Have you ever met anyone that was in this world, yeah, but there was so much about them that seemed out of this world as well. This is why I say Grandma is a living angel. I have thought much about her over the years, this last year inparticular, wanting to figure out why God would send a perfect angel to live here on Earth amidst so much darkness and everyday He gives me a new and perfect answer. Grandma is called Grandma because that is what she is to everyone. She offers so much light into the world that she can't even see the darkness that surrounds her or the darkness within those she meets. Just as any Grandma does, she attracts children like a magnet and I truly believe that this is her soul's source of energy. Children posses so much of God's light. Light attracts light, and I visibly see this happen when I am in her pressence. For example, just a few weeks ago, when I was visiting Maw-Maw briefly with Mia Grace (my one year old daughter), I found myself in one of those unescapable moments, like we've talked about, where God just spoke to my heart so profoundly through her. I got to see light attract light manifest with my daughter and Grandma. Maw-Maw suffers from Alzheimers now and I'm not sure she knows who I am anymore though you would never know, heck, I don't even know most of the time. I know that sounds crazy, but that is truly the kind of remarkable I am talking about. I know deep deep deep down that if I were to ask her, "Grandma, who am I? What is my name?" she probably would not give my name as an answer. But I don't have to know that she knows me by name still because she still makes me feel like I am the most precious thing she has ever laid eyes. It's like her eyes pierce through me right into my soul and she only sees the place where my spirit and the spirit of the Lord reside in communion. She only sees that perfection in me through Him. With one look she gives me hope that deep inside me there still resides the perfect initial creation I was meant to be. That is the kind of known that doesn't need to know my earthly name. That day I watched what I have always felt but could not express into words manifest when my Aunt Helen, (Grandma's daughter, so again, not at all related to me), picked up Mia Grace close by Grandma's chair. I heard Grandma ask Helen in her beautiful soft voice, as I walked away, "Is she ours Auntie?" and my Aunt Helen, replied, "Yes she sure is Maw-Maw," and Grandma sat quietly for a moment and then said, this time in her whisper voice (not a secretive whisper, but more of a prayerful whisper, like she was talking to someone else other than Helen) ... "I knew she was because I could see it in her eyes." At that moment what I had been trying to explain all made sense. I don't think Grandma was talking to "Auntie" at all, I think she was talking to the Lord, validating the light she saw radiating from that baby - my baby girl. I can hear her inner voice validating what she knew to be true "Lord, she is one of us, right? I can see her light - your light beaming through her eyes. She is one of your precious children I just know it..." For those of you with children I don't think I have to say much else.

I know many of you reading are probably wondering about my relationship and story with Grandma and expecting that to be the basis of what I wrote. Grandma has been in my life since I was an infant, where she kept me alone everyday and then my brother from his 3rd day of life until we each started school. After that, we spent summers with her until we were old enough to be at home alone. She called us her own, her adopted grandchildren, and in many ways we were closer to her than her own blood, but then again, she makes everyone feel that way even the first time you meet her. I have so many stories and memories and examples of how she was not only my first example of a godly woman, but my first glimpse at God himself, as her spirit exudes HIM more powerfully than any person I have ever met. Yet, she never read the bible to me (as she cannot read) and never drove me to church (as she has never driven a car). She is the essence of what true ministry is all about. My intention in writing was initially to explain how she has affected my life but as I am sure all of you have experienced, the Lord had different plans and I am grateful the spirit led this post.

If it doesn't make sense to all of you, at least it was good for my heart and my prayer is that this message will be sent from my spirit to hers tonight.