Regret

Often I hear people say, "I have no regrets, or I live without regret, or everything happens for a reason." If I agree with any of those statements, I could see and understand the last one. In fact, I have been a proponent of that idea for awhile, and I can understand how many things in life that are painful at the time later yield much value. I, just as others, have also been fortunate to gain understanding through certain circumstances. Many of my least proudest moments provide this for me. I can see how God does what He says He'll do, in that He "works for the good in ALL things". Terrible mistakes have resulted in huge lessons learned, thus preventing more pain from a similar decision. Or, these mistakes have even turned into humongous unexplainable and undeserved blessings. The easiest and biggest example of this is God's gift of His son. While I deserve death because of my condition of sin, He freely gives the gift of life.

While all of this may seem like a tangent, I do actually have a purpose in writing tonight. I'm just not so sure I buy into the whole "no regrets" thing anymore. You see, even though God may work it out for us in the end by His soverign grace, it doesn't mean that I should chalk it up to "no regrets". Regret simply means to feel sorrow or remorse for an act, fault, or disappointment. And by this definition I most certainly DO have regrets, a lot of them in fact, but there is one inparticular that is relevant to this blog that is indisputable. I deeply regret not spending more time, valuable and meaningful time, with Grandma. In fact this regret is so deep I have a feeling I may spend a life time peeling back the layers and learning from this enormous mistake. It's mistakes like this that I realize how short life really is. You see, we only get one shot. I can't get a do-over, take a mulligen, or say "my bad". It's over. Finished. What's done is done. I don't get a second chance to say all the things I wanted so badly to say. I don't get to ask her all the questions I wanted to ask and hear HER answer. I don't get a chance to somehow make sure she knew how grately she impacted my life and how I just thought she did it so right. Man, did Grandma do life right!

It's ok that I feel sorrowful that I chose not to listen to my intuition that has been telling me for years to make MORE time for her. I even had visions of what our time together might look like and the things I would say and how she would respond. The difference now, is that these visions are now illusions of what can no longer be. The dream of this magical time is dead, and for that, yes, I am filled up with regret.

Does this mean I will spend the rest of my days feeling this way? Who knows? It's important, though, to realize that regret is NOT a state of being, its just a feeling, an emotion that I am allowed and proud to admit I have. Do I think God will work for the good in this? Most definitely. In fact, I would be willing to bet that in many years these words (in some form) will come from my lips ... " As I look back, I can now see how He creatively manuvered this huge mistake and taught and blessed me in ways I could have never imagined; and yes, not spending more time with the most beautiful person I have ever known is STILL and will ALWAYS be the biggest regret of my life."