If Only ...

If only Mia Grace had "A" Grandma ... that's what I find myself saying. When I talk about where she might stay if I work full time, its "If only she had a Grandma". Yesterday I told Mike as much as I want to be with Mia Grace everyday, if she had a Grandma in her life, I would gladly hand her over knowing she would be in better hands than with me! And, I meant it with every fiber in my being. I dont think you will find too many mothers out there who can honestly say they know their child would be in better hands with another woman who isn't even blood related. And, if they can humbly admit it, they would never glady oblige. I would in an instant. If only Mia Grace had "a" Grandma, I'd go find a job whether I need one or not.
It's strange to me that I speak of her in this tense. I dont say, if only Grandma was here; if only Mia Grace could have gotten to know Grandma. In fact, Mia Grace has "A" Grandma. She has 7 to be exact, all blood related and all who love her very much. Two who would keep her everyday if they could. There is no shortage of love from Grandma's around our house and in her little soul.
I guess through these last years, God has been steadily prepared my heart for Grandma's departure from this Earth. As Johnny said in his message at her funeral, she was spending a lot more time getting to know Him through these last years. When I say, if only Mia Grace had a Grandma, its not that I am holding onto the possibility that she can experience the same love and care I did as a child from Grandma herself. Or, that upon Grandma's passing that this dream died. I guess that dream died years ago. Sure I would love that, but I have never considered driving my daughter to the Ticknor Terrace Apartments in Grapevine everyday something that was remotely possible.
I guess Grandma has become over the last several years, an architype, in not only my mind, but in many others. That was the point I was trying to make in the Eulogy. I didn't want to look over the fact that Grandma chose to lead a holy life. "Chose" being the key word there. She was the most self controlled, loving, generous, and authentic person I have ever encountered. I just had the privelidge to watch her each and every day in my early years, as she lived out this remarkable yet simple existence. She has become the architype of what it means to live life to the fullist, what it means to love unconditionally, what it means to be called the sacred name "Grandma". Because of this legacy she leaves behind I will forever desire Mia Grace to have a "Grandma" in her life, a Godly and beautiful woman who loves her like her own and diligently and gently guides her down the path of righteousness by how she lives. In fact, I desire for everyone to have a "Grandma" in their life. I know there will never be another Grandma Walker, but I cling to the hope that we do have it in us to be "A" Grandma. You see, she isn't an architype. She was human. The same way you are human, the same way I am human, the same way Jesus was human. So, My new mantra is this, "If only Mia Grace had "A" Grandma in her life ... If only I could be "A" Grandma in her life and in the lives of those around me. What about you? If only ...

The Storm

I find myself having sporadic moments of grief. It just comes over me like a storm, without warning, without calculation. I hits hard, beating against my heart like the strongest wind I have ever felt. As I try to fight back the tears and ache in my heart it overwhelms my soul and I must sit and be still and let the storm swirl around me. It rips apart this mask. It peels away the walls I try to hide behind by peeling it layer by layer. It hurts worse than anything emotionally I have experienced. I have no words, only heartache, frustration turns to anger, sadness turns to grief, and regret turns to shame. I look up and see her little eyes pierce through me like a bright light, and all I can say is "I'm sorry, so sorry" and "I miss you, I miss you so much". I must just sit and be with this pain in my soul.

Then its gone. Everything disappears. The pain is completely gone and I cling to the hope that this life is a mist and we were meant to live eternally. I will have my time back to make up for this regret and loss. I will have the opportunity to allow the gapping hole left in my heart heal by her pressence, by His pressence. When we meet again, I know she will be even more radiate than all my memories combined.

For now, the storm is silenced, but I know it is not gone. For now I can go about my life as if the storm never came. It is calmed for now. But as I know that in due time it will sneak up on me again and captivate my heart and soul. I know as I continue to build these walls and rebuild my mask, it will only be a matter of time before it comes back. It will come back to reclaim its power over me and tear away all I try to hide.